Here Comes Harry Potter!
by Hybrid Blade
Summary: AU as of HBP. NonHBP compliant. Harry gets super powers and picks off Voldemort's forces. Makes fun of cliches, bashes good ol' dumbledore, and Harry gets a girlfriend who's an auror to boot!


A.N: The idea for this suddenly came to me one day as I read the cliché this is based on. This first chapter is only setting the stage, so expect better humor later on.

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Harry was jotted out of his nightmare suddenly, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and matting his hair to his head. He had just witnessed the most horrible thing that Voldemort had ever done. He had watched a spice girls video. Harry shuddered at the horror of the situation.

Looking at his clock he mysteriously received, he sighed as he noted the time.11:57. He grinned as he wondered if he the clock may be wrong. Looking under his sheets, Harry sighed as he absently noted: No change.

You see, tonight was the eve of the Boy-who-lived's birthday. He would reach his magical maturity this night, where his magic would increase by a small bit and become more manageable. Ron had gotten curlier hair, and his erm… appendage grew by 4 inches, resulting in a huge amount of embarrassing boasting the next day. Harry was almost off the walls with excitement. Deciding that the clock could screw itself, Harry peeked, hoping to see a little change.

Nothing.

Harry nearly cried at his cruel fate. Why? He had suffered so much…. Then he remembered.

It was only 11:57.

He felt a rumble in his stomach, signaling that he needed to use the toilet. He threw his sheets from his bed and snuck past his Uncle's room. He winced as he heard the bed make a very loud squeak. He nearly laughed aloud as he heard the bedspring break down.

"DAMMIT! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!"

Harry sniggered at that. Poor ol' muggle's fate. He didn't know how, but that pig must run through at least 90 mattresses around the year. He didn't know how he afforded those killer whale sized mattresses…

Harry got into the bathroom and closed the door. Grunts could be heard from the door, causing Dudley to nearly gasp in horror.

'Oh no, they must be doing it in the bathroom again!' Dudley shrieked in his mind.

Back in our hero's room, the clock struck midnight.

"Hello! I am Merlin, and you are my hei-!" The spectral form of the old mage lost it's thunder as it stared at the shocked boy before him who had just been reaching for toilet paper.

There was an awkward silence.

"My heir… You are so… ungifted…" Merlin began.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Harry screamed. Merlin rushed out, knowing better than to trifle with the rage of angsty emo boys. He phased into the next room, letting out a scream.

"MY EYES!" Merlin's voice could be heard as Petunia let out a shrill shriek.

Harry sniggered.

Meanwhile, Dudley was wondering when his father had started to be able to do that…

Harry had by now goot up and cleansed his hands and arrived in his room to a sobbing merlin, muttering something about his eyes.

"Please bitch," The PMSing emo teen scoffed, " You're merlin." Although, Harry had to admit, if he had witnessed that, he would be crying too.

"Oh… Yes… Quite right Harry." Merlin let out a final sniffle before healing his eyes. He stood up and cleared his throat twice. He then spoke in an eerie voice filled with knowledge.

"Harry, you are my heir, and therefore you now know super kung-fu, Sex magic, every sex position known to man, a super flexible body, massive brute strength, crazy magic reserves, infinite stamina reserves, the ability to see without glasses, the ability to use two wands at once, wield staffs, use rune magic, all elemental magic, all mind magic, unbelievable knowledge of potions, ancient magic, Holy and Demonic magic, metamorphagus abilities, the ability to duplicate yourself, necromancy, and can we forget the ability to transform into any animal, even magical creatures?" Merlin explained with a grin.

Harry blinked. Very little of that stuff got through his thick teenage skull.

"Wow! I know every sex position known to man? And sex magic? Hmm… that duplication ability…"

"HARRY!" Merlin boomed, "These powers are not to be misused, and…"

"Laddy daddy da. Whatever. So… do I get my erm… other increase?" Harry asked with a light blush.

"Why do I even bother? That's all that gets through to you idiotic teen boys. Just go out and have fun, and don't use that sex appeal magic to go pining after weasel? Weasley I think…"

"Ginny Weasley? BLECH! Have you lost your fucking mind? You need a bitch slap you old coot. She makes Eloise midgen look like Cho Chang!" Harry gagged.

"Thank lord. I just thought you would use this to do some "Love Magic" shit. Oh. Guess you're better than that." Merlin said, sighing in relief.

Harry fell asleep after that.

The next morning, Harry sighed as he snapped his eyes open. He had the strangest dream… something about Dudley's barbies. Throwing his hands over his head in exasperation, he gasped aloud as the roof was blasted apart by a mad lightning bolt.

"Holy shit!"

Magical maturity!

Looking under his sheets, Harry's face split into a grin identical to one a child would wear if they heard Christmas came early.

A.N: I know this wasn't that funny, but I had to kick things off by giving Harry ridiculous powers. This will have, albeit barely, a plot. Voldemort is still alive, and it's right after 5th year. Harry's got the rest of the summer to plan out a way to utterly destroy Voldemort's forces, cause the order havoc, kick Dumbledore's ass, screw all of the Hogwarts girls, and steal away all of the Good-looking death eaters. And he'll do that alright. Drop a review please!


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